I have discovered almost by accident that it is entireley possible to be completely mad, and yet, those around you respond to you with respect and humor. They are not afraid to say what they feel. They do not question that I/we have the capacity to withstand the truth about themselves they need and want to share. Or if they do, there is faith that the bond that exists between and amongst us will be strong enough to buoy each of us up and to keep us from drowning. This has emerged during a time of great external turmoil interpersonally and socially in my world. As the reader, you may realize I jump around among pronouns in this piece. I have introduced myself before as trans* identified, and will go further now to say that I actively consider myself and live as a nonbinary gender identifying person with lived experience of having lived in a strictly female gender and a largely male gender. I always draw different strengths from each of my expressions of self.
I have been experiencing many months of high emotion, extreme sleeplessness, lethargy and boundless energy intermixed. I do not wish to connect any of my experiences closely because I am wanting them to stand as their own reality, not as a reflection of some construct that could be construed as mental illness. During this period I have joined a sweat lodge community, commenced upon deep spiritual cleansing work within my masculine seeming aspects of self, and acquired a deeper and abiding appreciation and respect for the feminine energy that flows unendingly through me from the deepest wound of the Mother of us all.
As soon as I write these things I skip away from them because they feel like the words and worlds of another being or beings. For many years I have existed within a continuum of a multiple self sense within which there actually is no specific I. The I cannot be elevated above the plural sense of communal experience of the self states that peer out of my eyes and inform every word and step and embrace I participate in. The I is indivisible from the us/we.
On this day there is much joy. Although there is rain outside this self state that exists as a nexus point of many flowing self awarenesses that lend it shape walks in full sunlight of the spirit. We see the possible ending of dependence upon man made substances that have at times made life bearable where it was unbearable, and even enjoyable when we had considered ending things. There has been little thought of needing to end things for some time. Moments of exteme overwhelm brought about by sleep deprivation and overloading the temporal space of one living body with far too many commitments have helped us to arrive at a place of relative peace. Letting go of relationship styles and behaviors that harm self and other is an amazing way to find health and peace. It can be a very gentle way to bring the relationships one values back onto a plane of relating that works for each person involved….. sometimes. This writing feels free and genuine. Gratitude for that, and to the reader for reading this. Blessings.